Something that has really stood out to me is the idea that we should give children a choice and a voice in things that will affect their lives. Sometimes I feel like I am messing up my kids because I don't push them to do chores, they don't play sports, we aren't good at staying on top of piano lessons (I am their teacher), and getting reading minutes in every single night usually doesn't happen. I look at the kids of some of my friends and see how they are right on top of getting their tasks done and I wonder what I am doing wrong. Our home looks a lot like this:
ME: "Here are your chore lists for the week. I put how much allowance you can earn by each chore. We'll keep a running tally so you know what to expect on Saturday when I pay you. Hopefully that will be a great motivator, right?"
MY KIDS: "Sure!" Then they do a chore. Maybe two. The next day they'll do one if I ask. The rest of the week the chore list is forgotten.
ME: "Guys, you need to practice piano so we can have a lesson this week. I love hearing you two play! You both have a great talent for it and I know you'll regret not learning one day."
MY KIDS: Run to practice. Then don't. Maybe if I ask.
ME: "Can you please get off the couch and just pick up your stuff today? I need a bit of help around here."
MY KIDS: Both pick up their things as quickly as they can so they can get back to the couch. They probably throw in a good amount of arguing and fighting at the same time.
So then I'm thinking, "What am I doing wrong?", feel bad about the situation, and go on with my day. I pray and hope that one day they will learn.
This idea of letting them have a say in what they do stands out to me because does it really affect me if they don't do their chores? No. I get to keep more cash in my wallet, I really don't mind cleaning (it clears the anxiety in my mind), and it's on them if their bedrooms are messy. If they are embarrassed when friends come over, then they can take care of it. They watch me clean and I know that they know how to do it because they show me when they do get chores done. Maybe piano isn't their thing. Maybe sports isn't their thing. They both battle daily with anxiety and depression... couch days are warranted. I am letting them have a say and a choice in the things they do. I may not like what they are saying, but they have agency to choose, right?
Then I start to think about all of the good that my kids are. My daughter really wants to be an animator and work with movies one day. She not only watches movies, but she STUDIES movies. She can tell you the ins and outs of a lot of different movies. She has taught herself how to draw and she is amazing at it. She may be sitting on the couch and chores may not be done, but her sketch books are wonderful works of art. They are filled with imagination and self-care as she puts her strong emotions into new characters that she creates. My son wants to work with video games. His current obsession is wanting to be a YouTuber that shares video games... I don't love that idea... but by playing Minecraft, his reading and math skills have skyrocketed. He has figured out how to use his logical thinking and amazes me at what he creates. His second grade teacher echoes my thoughts and has told me to let him go with it if it's working. He knows how to build and create things with his hands also. He loves to help other people and is never afraid to shy away from serving others. Why do they do these things? Because I have let them choose to do so. These are definitely things that will also affect them in their lives.
They both love Jesus and they both show up each night when it's time for Come, Follow Me. They love going to church and they get just as excited as I do about watching General Conference. Maybe chores and piano lessons aren't the most important things that they need to be learning in their lives. Maybe they are doing exactly what they need to be and I need to learn how to quit comparing my parenting skills to others. Doctrine & Covenants 121:41-43 teaches us how to act as parents:
41 No apower or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the bpriesthood, only by cpersuasion, by dlong-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By akindness, and pure bknowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the csoul without dhypocrisy, and without eguile—
43 aReproving betimes with bsharpness, when cmoved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of dlove toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
If I can remember these inspired words, then I know I will always be the best parent my kids need.
PS... The Book of Mormon shows great examples of the use of agency (in both good and bad ways) and even has some helpful parenting tips!
References
Doctrine and Covenants. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng
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