I love this quote from Brigham Young:
"Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion, teach them to love you rather than fear you."
I have learned from my own two children that you cannot raise two different personalities the same way. Even their pregnancies were completely different! Miley responds to punishment in a much different way than Cohen does. Cohen responds to schoolwork in a different way than Miley does. Miley is a homebody. Cohen is outgoing and social. Cohen likes to play sports. Miley is happy with a sketchbook, pen, and a couch. I love that Brigham Young says to raise them with love and to "study" them. I think that the word study in this context teaches us to know them, watch them, listen to them, and let them use their agency to determine how they react in different situations. If we try to raise every kid in the exact same way, then we are putting their agency at risk. We may unintentionally belittle or demean who they are. We are all unique individuals and Heavenly Father knows of our full potential. When we think that all kids need the exact same things from us, then we deny that they have a bigger, more beautiful potential than what we see.
On the other side of this quote, we learn that we should "deal with them accordingly" and be aware of how we are disciplining them. When we do things in the "heat of passion", we say or do things that we regret later on. If we take the time to calm down and deal with them knowing who they are and what their reactions may be, we are in a position to teach them. And probably teach ourselves. It helps our kids to see that they can trust us and that we are willing to listen to them. This leads them to love us and know that we love them. When we can show that kind of love, then we are able to share with them the love that their Father in Heaven has as well. This teaches and leads them to trust Him.
In his book The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Dr. Laurence Steinberg talks about five areas of parenting adaptations. This list looks like:
1. Keep pace with your child's development.
2. Adjust your parenting to your child's temperament.
3. Your child is unique.
4. Have patience during developmental transitions.
5. Your changing role as a parent.
Steinberg goes on to say that "what you do matters" as parents. In an article on News Wise, Steinberg talks about how these things don't promise that you'll be a good parent, but that your child will benefit the most from your effort.
https://www.newswise.com/articles/ten-basic-principles-of-good-parenting-science-of-raising-children
I think Brigham Young was nailing these suggestions on the head when he said to "study" your child's disposition and temperament. We should recognize them for who they are as individuals, parent according to their needs, and realize that our role will constantly be changing as a parent because they are constantly changing while they grow. But we also need to give ourselves some slack as parents because it is hard to figure out a complex little soul! I am really grateful for recognizing the differences in my children when I did. It happened with homeschooling and being able to spend the entire day together. I quickly learned what works for one and how it doesn't work for the other. It makes me wonder about Heavenly Father. He loves each and every single one of us... but how many of us are alike and need the exact same chastisement or praise as the person next to us? He sets the perfect parenting example for us.
References
Steinberg, L. The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting.
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